On the brighter note, at least I learnt some things out of it and that made me a much careful person today. Or at least I feel I am more careful than the past anyway. ha..ha..

I try my best to talk a little unless its crap.

Tried to avoid going into any sorts of politics at ALL cost.

Endured it even when I'm wronged (and pray damn hard that my name get cleared).

Increased my sensitivity level to a point people actually thinks I'm "over" sensitive as I apologize and apologize and apologize for things that in the past, I don't think it actually mattered?

Tried to smile and take everything easy.

Tried to be less possessive (trust me, this is the toughest!).

Tried to tell myself "not everything have to revolve around you"

Tried and tried and tried and tried.

Now I'm just afraid one day my barrier system might just break down as knowing all this is relatively still somewhat new and its not super secured? (It's still in honing process after now). It comes to a point whereby now I have this internal fear of being too close to anyone in this new land cus I'm afraid I might just loosen my barrier if I am too close. Whenever I know I am starting to get too deep into the circle, I kind of have this auto-system in me to try to get out of it. Somehow, it works but it do made me kind of lonely cus I'm like nowhere.

What hits home really was recently there was this distant classmate who asked me "So who do you normally hang out with?"

This kind of hit me pretty hard as it occurred to me that I am not anywhere or with any group in particular but the idea of getting too deep into a group kinds of scares me. I guess I'm just lonely but yet afraid of getting too attached to anyone. I guess there's really nothing much I can really do but just get used to this new system. :(

Friday, June 10, 2011
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